Amity

So this last weekend I hung out with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long while. It's kind of sad, because it's not that we live far away from each other or anything, it's just that during the school year we never had time to hang out. We went to school together in 3rd and 5th grade (I was homeschooled for 4th) and then after that, we haven't had school together. We're really good friends though, I would say she's my best friend.

It's really hard for me to keep up my social relationships with my friends, unless we go to the same school. I dunno if it's just some defect of my own (which it is, probably) or if it's just natural. I figure that it's mainly my problem, because other people seem to be able to keep in touch with anyone and everyone they've ever met.

It'd be nice if I could keep up friendships, but for the longest time I didn't have many friends in the first place, because when I was little I felt that no one understood the way I liked to think and play. It may have been true, but that didn't change that fact that I was a lonely little girl. Not lonely per se, because I was fine with being by myself, but just like, alone.

I'm not very outgoing, and I only like associating with certain types of people, so my type of friendship takes a looooong time to build up. It took me all three years of middle school to become really good friends with several people, but when I switched to high school they all went to a different school, so it's hard to keep in touch. Now it feels like all that effort is wasted, because now I'm so out of the loop that even meeting up with them once in awhile doesn't do anything. My mom tells me that I have to actively cultivate friendships, but that's so contrary to my nature that I can't, really.

I'm rather sad, because many of my friends this past year were juniors, so they'll be graduating soon. Because of that, I won't be able to do my whole 'slowly become super good friends' routine because they'll be gone after next year. Unfortunately, I don't really like most of the people in my class, either, and the people that are okay have already formed their own groups of friends from middle school. Again, my mom tells me that I should break into those groups so that I can be friends with them but that's even more contrary to my nature than actively forming friendships. I like, abhor the idea. Just the mention of joining someone else's conversation...ugh. *cringes*

Maybe it's because I have a strong sense of awkward situations and am extremely afraid of being embarrassed. If so, then...I guess there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'll get less socially awkward when I'm older and people get more mature.


Salem out.